Understanding Always Comes With A Price ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinking Things with guy 2 ended baddly as I had expected they would. How could I have expected otherwise when I was taking the virginity of a boy who hasn't so much as been with a girl in close to three years? He told me that he wanted me for his, and that he loved me, and I told him that this needed to end because I belong to another. That was 3 weeks ago and things have cooled down considerably since then. We hardly ever talk anymore and I do believe that it's for the best, I'm the jealous type so hearing about all of his chick friends makes me more prone to shortening the leash I likely still have around his collar. Guy1 has been putting distance between the two of us, he's been back in town for nearly 2 months now and has barely said so much as a word to me..and when I say, "said," I mean responded to messages sent to him over the internet. He's still trying to get with the girl that wont have him, and it's for the best I believe. I do hope to see him soon, a part of me wants to express how sorry I am for putting more stress on him and our friendship than needed to be placed. I wanted so bad for things to just be like the way they were when we first met, or even months later. I thought that with him back in my life, we'd talk like we used to, and hang out like we used to. But then I had to face the fact that he and I never really hung out, we talked every night on the phone for hours, but we never spent tha much time together. I likely believe that it's because there is some sort of physical attraction between us and it's hard to deny when we've known each other as long as we have. I just hate that he reminds me everyday that I don't and never will know all there is to know about him. I consider him a best friend of mine and he considers me nothing but a petty exscrew. At least that's how it feels sometimes. He would never talk to his other friends about me, I know that, I have to accept that. I tell everyone about him. I feel like he's ashamed to talk about me, like I'm some diry little secret. I've never so much as met any of his other friends, where as he's met almost all of mine. Maybe it's because there is an awkward air between us, people know without ever knowing that we had a past. I'd like to know how exactly it's so obvious so that maybe I can put an end to it and we can just be normal friends for once. The narsistic part of me likes to think that it's because he worries one of his guy friends will like me and he wont know how to handle that. I don't understand jealousy in men who don't want the prize. Why does it matter what I do or who I'm with when you don't want me? He did a survey which asked a couple of questions pertaining to the last person he kissed, which would be me, and all the answered seemed so double sided. When asked if he enjoyed it he said he felt bad for it, when asked what the relationship statues is me he answered that the boat had sailed, and when asked what went through his mind during his last kiss he answered that its probably unpleasant for the other person. The last one got me a bit because I didn't quite understand the answer, in what way would it bu unpleasant? I shouldn't let it phase me, I'm sure he was thinking of other people, which I asked him specifically not to do, and in fact told him that if he intended to then this should end where it began. This has always been the way that we are. We're great friends, we fool around, then we avoid each other until everything has settled. I made a comment to him about it, about how I wished that guy2 and I could have that, just know that nothing will hurt our friendship, we just need time to forget what happened. He never responded and I got the impression that tha might have been the wrong thing to say. I am so skilled at saying the wrong things to guys. But it's only because I'm much to up front, I dont know how to sugar coat. I feel that everyone should be that way and when guys aren't I dont understand the issue. Time for shopping. 1:33 p.m. - 2009-03-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Just A Stupid Girl So guy 2 and I fucked...twice...and spent valentines day together making food and holding each other. And a realization struck me like a fist to face, I'm only doing this because he's interested. Not because I want him, or am even that into the idea of him and I being anything more than friends, but because he wants me, I go with it. Now he's telling me that he loves me, telling me that he wants to be with, writing me fucking poetry. He brings me gifts, he calls me on the phone, invites me to do anything and fucking everything he can think of. And all the while telling me how he just wants to take me places, show me things, make me happy. Is it wrong that I'm asking guy1 for advice? Who better to tell me how to defuse a romantic situation than the guy that half the time pretends I don't exist because he can't handle the past we've had? I know what his advice will be, it'll be the same as roommate's was, just tell him the truth and hope it hasn't gone too far already so that a friendship might be salvaged from the wreckage. Which would be ironic I believe because he handles and has always handled the issue by avoiding it, which is what I'm attempting to do now, but he'll just stop seeing me, still talk, but stop seeing me and we wont talk about what happened. He wont start seeing me again until he feels that the ground is safe to tread on. But I think more or less it's my extending the invitation, telling him that the storm has passed and he can return without that being an issue. It's not that I don't want to, or my feelings for him have changed any, I just know that that isn't whats best for us right now. Maybe someday, like it's always been, but right now it's just not an option. Even less so with Guy2. He's smart, he's funny, he's fun to be around, bomb in bed for a virgin, cute, successful...the list goes on...but all the same the feelings just aren't there. There's attraction, without a doubt, there's attraction, but that doesn't reach any deaper. I'm a bitch to tell a man that I love him if he says it first, but when guy2 says it I get a nasty taste in my mouth and the words just can't come out, a koo will followed by a, "you're sweet..." but nothing further. And I realize that's always been the problem between guy2 and I, I was attracted because he was attracted. I was interested because he was interested. And he's an amazing guy how deserves better than that, and I know all I'm going to do is break his heart either way, probably take our friendship with it. I forgot you can't take a kid's virginity without emotions coming into play. You can't tell someone that this is gonna be just a one night stand and then hold them and caress them for 3 hours, without memories and feelings coming flooding back. 11:07 p.m. - 2009-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I'm sick and fucking tired of this bull shit. Why do I get treated like I don't fucking matter? 7:09 p.m. - 2009-02-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck html So theres guy1 who I've known for years, wanted for years...loved for years. There's guy2 who i've known so almost just as long but in a different way i've wanted him but not for the right reasons and not in the right ways. well guy1 and i have been friends for 6 years now, it was rocky at first, a lot of things happened really fast. we were friend's with benifits because i wanted to date him and he was only okay with making out. we didn't go all the way likely because of a lot of reasons but he was a virigin which put some strain on the whole thing. i fell for him...hard...in the month that we fooled around and one night after telling him that i used to be suicidal, he told me that he cared about me and unsure of how to handle the situation, i freaked out and put walls up. i was realizing that was falling in l.o.v.e. and i didn't want to be hurt so i thought it'd be easier to distance myself from him. a lot of things were said, mostly childish but it ended everyhing between us and for the next 5 months we pretended to not even know each other. until one day he came up and asked to barrow change from a friend of mine, and i gave it to him. we sat and we talked and we reconnected. it hurt so bad at the time that evey nerve in my body revulted because i knew that i wanted him with every ounce of myself and nothing was going to come of us being friends again. during that time i met guy2, also a virgin but a lot less fun to be around. he was nice, he'd open doors and he'd buy lunch, but he'd call at 2pm on a saturday for phone sex. he wouldn't date me because as he put it, he didn't have time for it. he wouldn't even talk to me f his friends were around because they'd make fun of him. but i tried all the same and when i realized that i didn't have a chance to get in his heart, i worked on his pants instead. a lot of people didn't like guy2 because they felt that he used me, ex boyfriends went as far as to chase him home with hatchets...but we didn't really talk, and he didn't really do anything to me, it was one sided for the most part so i don't think it was all his fault. guy1 and i became close, to the point that we talked on the phone constantly, didn't hang out much but were constantly talking. i never brought up my feelings and we never talked about our past, we just pretended like we'd met each other for the first time on that spring day. for the next year we were like that, he changed schools during the middle of it but that didn't change anything. all my friends hated him, all my exs wanted to kill him, but i was head over heels. guy2 moved to another town when the semester ended. we talked often, everyday for the most part but only online and almost always just about sex. we began growing distant, our messages just saying, "how you been?" guy1 incuraged me to date a rich kid, one i met online. in an effort to prove that i could better myself, to be a better person, to not sleep around so much, i dated him for the next two years. and 6 months in while listening to a cd guy1 kisses me, we make out, it goes no where, we agree we'll never talk about it. confusion explodes, feelings rupture, everything that i'd been pretending never was comes flooding back. months later rich kid finds out about it, demands that guy1 gets out of my life, like an idiot...i comply. guy1 and i still talked from time to time but never on the phone and i was rare, we'd see each other but i'd never tell him why i couldn't see him. it was a blessing in a way, i could forget my feelings for awhile. rich kid also makes me distance myself from guy2 because of obsene messages he'd leave online. dumped rich kid. And reconnected with guy1 and 2 and everytime i saw guy1 the same thing happened...memories came flooding back threatening to destroy the litle glass world i'd worked so hard to build. and in one night that glass world was shattered and thrown into the wind. guy1 and i got drunk, one of my room mate's came home and guy1 and i just laid together. that is until my room mate went to take a shower. we made out and disided it'd be better to go into my room and the first thng he asks me is, "what do you expect to get out of this?" and the years of biting my tongue or turning my cheak fade away and i tell him, "i learned a long time ago not to expect anything from being with you, whether thats what i want or not." and we talked, for the first time, we talked about what i felt and why i felt it. i never said love because that'd not something that he needed to hear. we ended up getting dress and coming back out into the living room and being social but once everyone retired we went right back to it until the alcohol made the activities to difficult. and we slept like that, next to each other and in each other's arms and i was struck with how little feeling there was coming from him. he seemed happy, at peace, but those were the only emotions coming from him. the next morning after laying together fo a long time we started it back up until he had to go. for 2 weeks this happened until one night a mistake happened that i didn't know how to handle. it threw a blanket on the fire of our passion, and we talked again. this time about a future, posibilities, and things that we never should have talked about but at the same time things that probably needed to be said. he told me that the reason he never dated me was because i never seemed that interested, i was too busy looking at every other guy. ironic since in reality it was a ploy in attempts to make him jealous. he told me that he didn't care of me as much as he had then, but he could. and could was something i wasn't interested in trying for. i wanted so bad for him to want me the way i wanted him, the way i've always wanted him, but it's never fair to force feeling onto someone who doesn't feel them. we didn't see each other for a few days after that and then we found out he was going out of town for awhile and i though it was a blessing and a curse, i'd miss him but i needed the distance. and in my sublime bordom i began talking to guy2 again, and nothings ever suttle with him. or when i'm concerned at least. we agreed to see each other and at first it was the intention of taking his virginity once and for all but alcohol and room mates make these activities tougher than one might think and all that happened was some phenominal 4 play and the realization that i'd rather not do to guy2 what guy1 does to me. guy2 could love me, probably does but we don't talk about it, he regrets our past, he's successful and attractive but for some reason i just can't return those feelings. i worry that if we become to physical he wont be able to recognize that it's nothing more than sex, and not to put emotions where dick should go or lips should kiss. and i should take my own advice and not wish for guy1 to feel a spectum of feelings that he's incapable of feeling with me. Room mate tells me lots of things, tells me tha guy1 might just be confused, he probably wants me but is scared, tells me to give guy2 a chance because he's changed since back then and yet i'm still so confused. i can't have either of them so in the end it doesn't matte who would make a bette boyfriend or who would make a better husband, at this point the debate is who makes a better friend, if i'm going to make mistakes with friends, who do i want them to be made with? Do i want to make them with the man that holds my hair back and my head up while i puke, or the guy that sits in the other room? the guy that opens the car door for me, or the guy that leaves right afer we diside to call it quits for the night? the guy that makes me laugh til it hurts, or the guy that makes me want to drink so i have something to do? the guy that said he's sorry, or the guy that could never mean it? the guy that i can't and never have been able to get out of my head, or the guy that i hardly remember? honesty, lies? love, lust? 4:23 p.m. - 2009-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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